Poem written for my Father

Poem written for my Father

Why this Earth with luscious green?
Rivers streaming to the salty sea.
The wicked I've known,
The beauty I've seen,
And the intense experience of love and hatred in extreme,
Guilty of both the evil and the good I've been.

I've embraced the dementia around me;
Pride dictates the coming fall.
Not for him the sterile tree-lined roads
To the house with the gilted gate,
And the poorly-paid are told to tend
The one's they neither love nor hate.
Nature is overpowering nurture
And the Strong hold dominion over the Weak.

No, not for daddy the caring facades and
Smiling masks.

Raw Bones

I stick a needle in my eye
The vein is small
And so am I

I stick a needle in my fem
My head does nod
No tomorrow then

I stick a needle in my neck
Come dance with me
My dance with Death

The Price Of Lead

I was writing some nonsense verse, or virtually nonsense verse, on Facebook, and decided it was such a work of genius, that it contained such profound truths (especially when I bring in the relationship between myself and the rake), I had to post it on my weblog. Be warned, this poem is of such power, it may remain with you until your dying day - even your dying words may be a line from this poem or an allusion to it. I leave this warning, because people have told me of the tremendous impact this poem has had upon their lives, whether positive, but sadly mainly negative. You have been warned!

Here Goes...

Yes, I can tell I'm a little short of sleep,
much more or less and I will weep,
a cliff to climb it is so steep,
the ocean is a mile deep.
a leap of faith I have to take
in order to buy a second-hand rake.
now it's time for a cup of golden tea,
but I've lost my kettle, and my kettle's lost me,
for this here poem it's more than i can take,
any more crap like this
and my laptop may break.

Oh my Lord, for goodness sake,
I've bought a cuppa and drunk a rake.
just before I drive and swiftly take,
a book to read before I wake.
and before I climb into my bed,
I'll laugh so much until I'm dead.

I'd dreamed this way my life I'd take,
while grasping my tea,
and sipping my rake.
in retrospect a decent way to go,
and done just in time before the snow.

So when you read this
I'll be gone and dead.
were you aware of
the price of lead?

AJ Buttle, November 2010

Our time in a torrent or in a lake deep and still
It will pass,
And strongly or weakly the wind in our sails
On and on it shall blow,
And throughout one or both, we tell our stories,
May grow old.
We dutifully took up the reigns that we were given,
In so doing with sharp rivets we were nailed upon the cross.
Our hearts tossed in tumultuous torrent rapids,
Toward the gutters and the drains deep dark underground.

And in years to come,
A man shaking his bloodied fists
And broken tears as shattered glass
Directed where the Holy Spirit reigns,
Where the swallows sing, looking upwards on high.
He never got a little tiny break,
In the stillness and the star struck night,
His spine-tingling wailing cries,
O why,
O why,
O why,
Crying for those he loved and loves,
Why oh why they had and have to die -
it's more than this man can take.

And she lives her years,
Much more and she will break,
Her baby boy sustains her and will make her smile,
But this woman needs more, she wants to wait with rapid beating heart,
She carries a vacuum heavy boulder in her heart and womb,
She needs so much more than this life this empty tomb!

An explosion of life, fireworks shoot and colours fly
So high, and the backdrop of the silver moonlit sky behind,
Let me give that to you, make love, fill that void
In which you exist.
Bring the trees with palms exotically,
The flowers trembling to life seeking warmth, the water lillies
And the pond I see, your reflection,
Your profound beauty
Rippling among the waters and flowers
In those short and desperate hours.

Woman, you know who you are,
You bring so much beauty,
It's not in you to bring despair!
One day you may find me there,
All wandering and lost
But when I see your face,
My brightening face,
I am lost no more.

AJ Buttle 19 November 2010

The Chocolate Mouse (after reading, I realise it needs plenty of work)

And he left his house....in a box...And how it began was consequence of a stolen chocolate mouse!

The food for the week was brought to his back door step,
He could stay in the house in which he thought and he wept,
For to his never-ending grief his dear kid had stolen -
She had stolen, It was a chocolate mouse!

Oh people don't laugh, it had cause and effect,
It wasn't no trifle that time had swept,
She was off to Hell because of her action

Surely her misdeed was due to a toddler's whim?
Oh Lord, it was just a chocolate mouse,
She'd not run off with someone else's house.

I'm told she's off to Hell 'cause you must not steal!
It's a sin to steal, whatever the deal,
Or that's what
That nun at school had taught me, =======

[WORKING ON THIS - SO IGNORE]

It's a sin to steal even a chocolate mouse,
That's what the nun had told me,
That you'd burn for eternity;
You'd get no respite.
A chocolate mouse!
Oh, I'm so frightened for my kid!
A chocolate mouse,
It's all she ever did,
Steal a chocolate mouse! [trail off]

"Oh, you, nun, what did you do to my head?
"You've petrified me!
"She's a good girl, I tell yer she truly is,
"She doesn't deserve to burn in flames forever!
"Didn't Jesus say that He'd forgive?
"Oh you, nun, deliver my kid,
"Oh please will you deliver my kid?
"Tell me you must have sinned indeed you did",
I asked the nun respectfully?
"Tell me, tell me what you did,
"God help me!
"Not a chocolate mouse you stole, 'cause you're way too thin too thin,
"No, I'm a nun and I never did sin" she told me,
"Apart of course from that passed on,
"Just like you 'n' your kid if y'all never done wrong
"But your girl, she has done wrong!"
Said nun to me, tones of mocking superiority:
"It is God that deemed sin,
"It wasn't me,
"I didn't scheme this creed,
"It wasn't me that made our dear Son bleed
"So don't blame me, 'cause I'm way too thin
"Never a chocolate mouse did I steal and never did I sin!"

She must feel love,
Oh Lord! she's gotta feel love;
Children are our lambs, the are meek,
They don't go out and deliberately steal
Chocolate mice, even one a week,
When they're just three - years - old,
An innocent lamb of God turning three years old!

I don't mind saying that nun has really hurt me,
She's really hurt me so deep down inside,
And the longer I think about my little girl sufferin',
The more I cannot stand these thoughts -
The more I just wanna die!

So one day, after my one hour per week visiting right -
I'd felt despondent, resigned, all night,
And I'd bought my little sunshine girl -
(thank God she don't know her fate) -
Two chocolate mice,
And believe me, her smile and laughter made me feel so warm inside
And I loved an' laughed to see her suckin' her fingers clean of
Those chocolate mice that'd made that nun so mean.

When my baby left I wrote a letter of intent,
That my purse of money is for her alone to be spent, be there whenever she wants,
So she can buy her chocolate mice with money not lent,
(I'd got saved a hundred pounds and a lucky charm an American cent).

And a letter I wrote, this being my last will & testament.
Some pills I'd let build up that the doc had sent,
Some pills, they're meant to stop me feeling bad,
These pills, they're meant to stop me feeling sad.
But how can my doctor make me feel good
When I know a sword hangs over her head,
Knowing what will happen to my baby
When I'm dead and gone.

So I'm leavin' now,
I know when I'm beat,
I can't fight with God out on the street:
The dull orange streetlight making shadowy image,
Of a man unclothed kicking and punching at the air,
It made a spectacle, some from safe distance stood and stared
It was later they said that man was mad,
It became folklore round abouts,
The tale was sad.

So pray good folk for my beloved girl,
And pray I misheard that nun,
When I was my baby's age in years now gone,
A chocolate mouse I stole, 't was fun.
Maybe it's karma catching up, as they say,
A generation gap, my baby would pay.

Dinner plates and metal crates clashing smashing dinner hall -
For it was that remark
That the mean nun took
In her stride that had started it all.

Dedicated To Fiona Hindley nee Melland...
...written by AJ Buttle, 16 November, 2010...

Ed of the Plains (UNDER CONSTRUCTION)

there is a land barren and black
black as the witches hat and cat
you see, he just got into a bit of a mess
he didn't know the twisted mind
he babysitted for his friends
he was seen by neighbours as simple and kind

his mother was a dominant woman
she had everything ruled like a hundred lines
you say god hates sinners 100 times
if you did wrong in her wide righteous eyes
you'd wish the day would take you away
and there'd never been this cruel cruel world
but she is right,so right, god is within her
she is RIGHT,
and anyone who disrespected her
his eyes would narrow and redden
he'd dream of gettin' them
and gettin' them real good
good that they're swimmin'
yeah, they're swimmin' in their own blood
their own blood
(he killed his brother with a shovel) SCREAM
said it was a shooting accident
his grieving mother did not forget
and she'd hit the other son with THE gavel

she died
there she lied
no peace for her
he dug her grave in silver light
the minister didn't know anything about
how she liked her hair brushing
how if she heard a cuss word
her cheeks would be red blood red
yeah he dug his mother up
...and that was when things started to get real weird
the walls once white turned a-red
these colours of anger and sadness in his head
"oh mother read the good book for me
just like you used to every night
i won't complain, i've seen the light
teach me about Jesus and Jonah
those people'd thought i'd outgrown yer
i'll hold your dress until the sun has dried the earth
until the cars turn to rust
until all objects man made turn to dust
I'll hold you while you just rest
I'll look after your Sunday best
Thunderbolts won't come upon me
Lightening strikes so bright will show my path -
The righteous path I stride
I shrink heads in formaldehyde
I learnt it from a magazine
South Seas aboriginal tribal dreams

I shuttered mother's room up tight
Nobody would disturb her
I've put her back in her home
How to deal with my needs
How to live within her tomb
How did he enter into this hell in hell
How did he dig up those bodies
turned into rituals and jangling bells
he dressed in their skin
this was no sin
he d-r-e-s-s-e-d in their skin
made human masks
catalogued noses and lips
Like people collect model ships

Hope

what is this life without travel?
what is this life without love?
What is this life without children?
What is this life without vigour and youth?
Subtle harmonies come into play
How to harmonize your mind
To enjoy this life I've been given
To see the fish, to feel free
To be unburdened with problems
To see the children laugh and laugh with me
To see my dear love smiling up at me
My child looking down at his loving daddy
My daddy looking consciously happily

I'm drowning in expectation
I'm seething with my failings
Have I the strength to exorcise this negativity?
Life, just come my way and I won't let you down
I promise I'll take you and my friends to town
And you'll let me sleep smelling your long brown hair
And I'll see you sleeping and leaping bravely in the air
You shall be silhouetted by the ocean sea
And you will be silhouetted in our unfamiliar liberty

The time is closing in now
The crux of life is coming
Nobody knows
What could happen
But me
God give me the strength to see
What is awaiting with your strength for me
Through my eyes such intensity
Give me some rest in the Autumn breeze
And on leaves so gold I'll give myself to thee
For God is Love and love I know
Even in blizzards, the rains, the cold
I hope no deeper I have to go
Where the deeper you sink
Like the Behemoth in fathoms
Below
And the deeper you go
The harder to throw
Off this yoke of isolation
Beneath dense drifts of snow
And the worse is the worse to know
It's you alone that's told you where to go
Hiding cold alone in deep drifting snow

Sweetheart dig dig dig me out
Of this frozen snow
Lie me in front of your hot fire
And I'll do nothing but love love you so

AJ Buttle (with laptop in the drifting snow) November 12, 2010

I Give To You

You are my Sweetheart
You are my Friend
You are the Lover in my Dreams
You weave among the meadow flowers
You soar above the city towers
You swoop to fix the fledgling bird
You see a rabbit and by reflex swerve
You kiss me with such tenderness
Your kiss I return like an arrow so true
Your love our love takes away our blues

I give to you my heart
I give to you my soul
I know you will give me tenderness
I know your heart is gold
I know you'll lie by the river for me
I know you'll do all to make us see
I know we'll see the beauty in curiosity
I know we'll live in love's strange liberty
I know we'll flow in the skies and we'll see

We will see
We'll see the swallow swooping
We'll hear the hyena laughing
And it's silhouette swooning
Laughing at the moon
Laughing at the moon
Hyena don't care, laughing at the moon
We will see
Yeah, we'll see again

A compromise here, a compromise there
A young whippersnapper sat naked on the stairs

AJ Buttle Oct 2010

I Wanna Be Her Boa

I gaze at the fire
Feel the heat that it brings
I look in the flames and see
My first true love
And I remember her voice her sing

I see her crying in sadness
And I see her tears running
Along the river with laughter

What comes in strength
Abundant in truth
Out my heart and out my soul
Is to wrap my whole self around her
As a Boa Constrictor
To protect her
To adorn her in her bridal gown
She effortlessly reveals in her love

If she cuts herself with a knife
I'll heal that opening with my hands and heart
Every drop of blood I'll rinse away
With our sadness as though it did never start

AJ Buttle October 2010

My Angel's Descent

My angel's descent from the heavens
All dressed up in her bridal gown
Yes, dressed in her princess dream bridal gown
Adorned in her eyes of blue
Dressed for the sacred ceremonial rites

All coming together in pure ecstatic happiness
A woman with pure heart fills mine

I wonder if I'm dreaming

And tonight we will become one
I see your soft doe eyes a-glowin'
With anticipation come the initiation rites
We were dancing With the fairies in the sun
Yes it was our blessed night
And We'll venture down to the fertile seas
And we will kiss the stars and beam like the sun

A J Buttle October 2010

Preacher Man No1

He was drowning them in charisma
Through wired rooms in awe full of apocalyptic thought
They now saw above the oppressive black clouds
And in the subduing steamin' stewing rain
Through his words He enlightened them
Brought them hope
The hope creeping like poisoned ivy into his crowds

His message so profound to their ears placed him Comfortable in the skies
Or in their Rapunzel towers all medieval
In the Inquisition

You with your heads bowed -
You were obeying orders.
It's not me to blame
No don't look now
Don't shower me with this shame

The people that listened looked through long-rusted bars
As if gazing at the wondrous distant bright stars
They were looking for peace of mind
I say you won't get it here
For some peace it's so hard to find

I HOPE MY COUSIN'S DOING WELL

Where is My Lord,
He is in my family
He skulks around the back
When you need sombody
Never showing his card - he holds the Ace

They blew up the mattress
And I cried to the woman/the heavens
And I CRIED for my mother
And I cried for my father
And the sands beneath my shoes were shifting

Someone told me to sit down
Then they swam
I was wearing a bloody crown
The sea was too deep
That's why they swam

O Jacob FATHER of Isaac
'n' he held onto me
The State muscle came
All Disco Blue Dancing
Strapped me Hard
On the bed
Strapped me hard
Nothin worth said

FIRST DRAFT

Slippers slipping in the mud
Soles an age tossed into the wood
Running down steps two by two.

Need to know there's been no fall
No letting of blood
No concerned walker
No Carrion Call
Yes, need to know there's been no fall
No concerned group of concerned (and the hateful cinema-goers),
No, no Carrion Call today

The helicopter soared the skies
Just beneath the blue and cotton-bud clouds

I'm too ready
I'm real steady
Carrying my billhook
You can pull them in
To see their eyes
Full of terror
Yes, full of terror
They made such an error

Don't pick a fight with someone
Whose life is from an oak of falling Autumn leaves.
I am a leaf
Golden brown
Been to town
All adorned in my village gown.
No, don't pick a fight with someone
Whose life is an autumnal leaf
From a dying oak tree

No, don't pick a fight with a laughing clown,
For he will kick and he will cheat and he will laugh
Yet beneath his painted shiny smile he'll frown
Oh yes he'll frown.

I've got new boots for the ice and snow
For in the summer house I dwell
Gotta/Wanna/Have to live there
My fealty I give them
For without I cannot live
Unconditional love they always gave me
Unconditional I will return it

They endured knives caked in blood
And sessions of hospital stays
My Grandma my Nana her mind brimming
With thoughts of the
Horrors in the last of her days

'They' endured illness and the officials offered no label
(All the creative types 'have' bi-polar; fashionable mental illness, the first of its kind?)
For I've self-medicated my brain and my mind
The drugs on the table mixed up hard to find


An 'SOS' and question marks and crucifixes marked
With needle and ink in bloody morning left hand
What does SOS mean?
What does SOS mean?
We all die, just when
We find clarity, no cryptic puzzle,
Some meaning seen in simplicity.

In late summer's purple heather
In golden grassed fields and
And June's green glens

AJ Buttle 25 September 2010

I've Lost Interest... DRAFTED

I lost interest in Oriental spices
I lost interest in who have got lice
I lost interest in using my wok
Then I lost interest in checking my clock

I lost interest in the testaments on Jesus Christ
And I lost interest in my penis size
I lost interest in the needle in my arm
And I lost interest in the scar on my palm

Just fade away
I wanna fade away
Just fade away
I wanna fade fade away

I lost interest in this song
I lost interest in the throng
I lost interest in my spiritual health
I lost interest in myself

I lost interest in my family
I lost interest in my genealogy
I lost interest in my great great niece
And she lost interest in me

I lost interest in Nikolai Gogol
I lost interest in Brigitte Bardot
I lost interest in the health of my bed
Now three months stained plus patches dried red

I lost interest in my literary aspiration
I lost interest in the potential of exaltation
I threw myself into a hole of existential grief
And all that did was make me grind my teeth

Fade away
Just fade away
I wanna fade away,
Just fade away...

I lost interest in the reality
That I'd found that so terrified me
I lost interest in my battle to be free
Another realm was closing in, and a fisher of souls netted me...

...I opened my eyes with no surprise, a glimmer of a hospital bed
And I had no interest, being lost in my puzzled little head
I saw many trees standing by me but could not hear the voice of the trees
Then I saw on notes by my bed, prognosis 'prefrontal lobotomy'

And now I've no interest, somewhere on page 24
And I see though do not speak to the Devil at my door
Everywhere is white, and clinically so,
The angels are screaming, and I've got to go.

(eighteen months later)

Now I have interests
That keep me ticking over
I like watching my own plant grow.
For they've let me take charge
Of the best plant in the ward -
The devil, the plant, then me.

AJ Buttle 2010

Woman of the South DRAFT

I am
Loving My Southern Belle
All draped in Honeysuckle Rose Red
And the prancing Fairies and Elves
Dancing in their gaiety to the newly-born babes and the ever growing dead.
Her smiling Saragossa Sea eyes and her full red lips
Brimming with harvested love and passion wonderfully ready to seizure
Thankful to circles of stone and pagan rites conducted with wonder
Ceremonial circles 'n' Jesus all peaceful and naked spiritual fervour.

And the rain pitterpatters upon the windows
And the grey n electric flashes come a-storming in
And we travel the wanderlust lightening storm.
I reach up to your dream-filled mind
And you reach into mine
And there in our prisons we bravely inhale
Then more peacefully intertwine

AJ Buttle September 2010

Reverie - My Southern Belle

She lay in her summer, dressed in smooth sensuous soft thin cotton
The little girl she'd wanted to be, all ragdoll and laughing
Patterned with the flowers Mother Nature brought for us to adore
She lay in her soft cotton summer dress
So open and happy and content, they were her dream days

She shimmered with the long vivid green grasses
And enough butterflies rested nearby drowsy in their patch of sun
And benevolent Bumble Bees busy as a bee in their social antics passed overhead
And crickets unseen and hopeful made clicking overtures to their hopping mad mate

Her eyes are Seas of Tropics and windows so true in depth is the colour blue
The flow of thick brown hair long warming the small of her back
With half-closed eyes I reach for the statue of an angel
All are flowing like Nature's trust in her wisdom
Her smile flattered me - I loved her rose-red lips
Here on this field is our destiny

I had no need to worry
She welcomed me with arms outstretched so slender
She wanted me
I happily lay with my Southern Belle in Nature's Cradle
And in that afternoon we knew we had found what we had
Lost so long ago

AJ Buttle September 2010

The Victim Unaware

Cutting the head of the red rose
The sap ran down its green branches
And her blood spreading upon her sun-setting body
Open and defenceless
Curling and mingling in the hot bath I'd run
To travel into the red smoke and mists and her spirit loosening -
Sinking, I knew she was leaving in peace
Now at long last her spirit was free

THE PAST:
I robbed her of her spirituality
I probed her prognosis a lobotomy
To make her normal like me
(An oxymoron no greater I ever did see)
I raped her and freed her
And freed her and raped her
Until onlookers knew whether I was a
Saint or Sinner or
A Seer or a Spinner
Of lies upon lies
Spread with warped foresight
Onto the darkening light
And the trembling fingers
and losing of sight

As she breathes her final breath
No tears I meet
I've even denied her her tears
For in tears I saw danger so
Like as if a fire I killed with foam
And spread her face in monochrome
Her life force was vanishing quick time
After she met me
In those darkened dens of iniquity
Where the dying men go
And the odd woman stutters then flows

She would have been gone long ago
But for my meddling of matters I not know
It would have been the natural way
Mother Nature would take her home
And find a place for her
She could rest and roam

I prevented the natural course
For twenty years and some
I realise my errors
In all the terrors
I made her drink and swallow

AJ Buttle September 2010

Crow Gutted

And put it into the quiet long summer's grass
Where it is safe from the wheel of life
Where it can maybe slow its heart beat
And all I do is wring my hands,
Lift up my arms, cast spells
Eyes brimming with tears
"You'll be OK, You'll be OK
Your heart will stop and you'll fly away
Into the white clouds where the winds carry the voices that pray
For some relief to come as fast as God's Earth winds can take those
Gone today into God's destiny, his Fate, his opportune moments
Without doubt blown, or just an off-switch turned like a tired trucker changes
The remote control

Pain comes and goes
Pleasure is fleeting - in vain or with luck to catch
On a holy mountain peak where exits a sinners pub
Cynically not caring
So weary gone is daring
Except the odd temper flaring
Even the undertaker does not dress for "the occasion" here -
He sits in the lonesome corner playing patience and
Nobody there cares whether he looks up with penny filled eyes -
There's no surprise
For some a Fuck the World and All It Meant
The rest found with ecstasy its meaning and went the wrong road (UNFINISHED)

AJ Buttle 2010

Candy Hair

Your candy hair spellbinding with the tall grasses,
And all the mixed ungerminated Seeds of Life.
The Strong pushes up against the weaker,
Two Lovers enter their own intimate world,
Two lovers cry out at their peak of Life.

AJ Buttle June 2010

Dolphins

As with the Sea
The dolphins
With teeth, though playfully
They leap for us.
Even the Wilderness beneath the surface
Of the Seas
Those two-legged devils have dominion
Over thee.

AJ Buttle 30 June 2010